my little pink boudoir

Tuesday, April 04, 2006
no more judgement

the process of letting go is one that comes in phases like waves.

first comes love, then comes marriage, then here's both of them with a baby carriage!

let's begin with the anger - it's blinding, all-encompassing and oh-so righteous, at first. how could you do that to me? you're sorry? i loved you, how could you? the wrath is almost pleasurable; all the things said in previous arguments take on greater weight as you throw it at the four walls once more. but then there's the pain, waiting just beneath the surface of that tide of judgement, waiting to just swallow you whole.

it doesn't take long for it to start to really hurt. the pain pierces most realistically in the region that makes most sense - the chest. it's most physical as you clutch your breast and double-over in agony, trying to breathe deeply, waiting for the wave to pass. seems like the brain has taken the initiative and indicated a higher consciousness to that area of the body just so you feel it. you feel the one emotion necessary to push you, shove you, bodily hurl you, right into the next stage -

guilt
1. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
2. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.
see also guilty conduct; sin

why are you doing this? what did i do to deserve this clawing at my heart? is it me? was it that i didn't care enough? didn't show it enough? i didn't love you enough? a glimmer of rational thinking forces you to face cause and effect. it always takes two, doesn't it? Newton's third law of motion, the law of reciprocal actions - any force exerted by one body on a second creates an equal and opposite force in the second body that acts right back on the first. i deserve this treatment because of my many many many flaws. you have some kind of right to this; it's karma.

as you persist in this pursuit of rational sense, it forces you to ponder on what it was, what it has been. the however many days, weeks, months, years that have gone into the making of this thing, this relationship, this love seems distorted. and then the terrible sense of disappointment sets in. what a shame to have thrown it all away like that. was this always a lost cause? i've been banging my head against the wall, and with all that blood running down my face, i've been blinded to the simple fact that we're just not meant to be.

now, when i look at you, and everything that it was, there's just a well of sadness. anger, guilt and disappointment come into play now and then, but it is the dysphoria that is cresting. the last wave in letting you go is the one that is most assiduous. i know that once i gain the absolution from this poignancy, it will be my acquittal, my very own release.

niq flicked her tail at 1:31 PM

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