Wednesday, June 04, 2014
a hole the size of my heart
You know what, I'm just going to come right out and say it:
Losing a baby is just so tough, no matter which stage of pregnancy you're in.
We blame ourselves, we blame God, we blame our environment. But the fact of the matter is, no matter who or what or where you lay blame, it doesn't ever change the fact that the little life that was growing inside you, is no more.
One month on and every day I still hide behind the over-zealous jokes, the wide cheery smile and the ever-essential "I'm much better now". It's expected of you not to dwell. It's expected of you to be strong. It's expected of you to carry on living. Expectations weigh so heavily on the shoulders that just want to lay on the cusp of my pillow, and not leave the room.
Sometimes I just feel like crying, for no coherent reason. It's as if this frequent presentation of tears could fill the empty vacuum that is my womb. Sadness overwhelms me to the point that my heart physically clenches and I fail miserably to keep myself from disintegrating.
Most days, I throw myself into work, into personal projects to distract the mind and keep the emotions at bay.
"We can always try again" is the mantra that I pump through my brain; a little inner voice is then quick to validate "Yes, you're not the only one, so many others have gone through this and look! Now they have 2 kids, 3 kids...".
Though, it really doesn't make me feel better to hear that more women have felt this same piercing pain, this overwhelming emptiness and this crippling hopelessness.
After all, hope is the only reason to live, really. And I desperately want to grasp that hope again soon.
And although I will never forget my little one who was lost, to fill the space in my heart that is next to hers is all I ask for, if nothing else in this lifetime.
01:49 morning
June 4th, 2014
Singapore
niq flicked her tail at 11:03 AM
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